Fear of the Dark
by AndromedaMarine
Summary: 2ND STORY IN "DARK UNIVERSE." SGA M/S FRIENDSHIP. Jennifer dies and John tries to get through to a withdrawn and angry McKay. But has too much of himself been lost for the scientist to even begin to recover? Post-ship McKeller, 2/2. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Fear of the Dark by AndromedaMarine**

"Did you know when I was a kid I hated dark, enclosed spaces? Especially when it's long and drawn out."

"What about that Jumper that sank a few years ago? Does that count?"

He paused. His voice quiet: "Especially when I'm alone. Like..."

"Yeah, I get it."

"John, this is stuff I should be telling Heightmeyer's replacement. I still...you know."

The colonel nodded. "But you don't trust Kate's replacement. I've known you for what, six years? My point is that you're not alone. Never have been, never will be. Not really."

Rodney pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. "Don't you get it, John? It feels like I'm not me. Like everything she changed about me is gone with...with her."

John looked at his best friend through serious, focused eyes. "Oh, I get it, Rodney," he said softly. "I went through the exact same thing with losing Elizabeth."

The astrophysicist sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"The wound has healed some, but sometimes I still wake up expecting to feel her next to me. And I have to accept all over that I won't see her again. I know how hard it is."

"But a week isn't two years. The wound is still too fresh to comprehend..." Rodney spoke in a broken voice. "Too hard to...to accept."

John thanked whoever up there that the city was quiet enough for him to hear Dr. McKay's soft, distraught admission. "I thought of Jennifer as a sister, Rodney."

The scientist turned to face the wall of John's quarters. He hit his fist against the cold, unyielding metal, angry with himself. "When she came here, I wasn't scared of the dark anymore, of the darkness of life in Pegasus. John..."

"Go on, Rodney." Anguish pierced his words.

"Now she's not here and I don't know how to handle that. I'm scared of the dark again."

Silence stretched through the small room. John, unmoving at the foot of his bed, felt a familiar stab of severe agony. The distant sound of waves against the piers drifted through the quiet, and a feeling of suffocating pain coursed through Rodney's chest. Thrice in three years both had lost incredible friends – soul mates among them. Both had lost Carson.

"What do I do, John? How did you deal with Beth's death?"

John blinked tears out of his eyes. "Much like how you're dealing. Seclusion from most of the base, seeking out a single willing and helpful listener. I barely spoke to anyone not out of necessity for a few months. Irrational hope for her survival in some way put off the grieving. But you need to talk to me about the hard stuff. You know, Heightmeyer saw me cry for Beth. Teyla too." He let the quiet engulf them again. "You were closer to Jen than Beth." A statement, not a question. Rodney recognized it as such.

"But I knew Beth longer. And that's part of what's making me hate myself. For missing Jen more than missing Beth."

"If it makes you feel any better I would miss you more than anyone on this base if you died."

Rodney allowed himself to snort once. "I have a hard time believing you would miss me over Teyla."

John frowned. "You're the brother I look out for, play pranks on, and am genuinely happy for when I see you getting something out of life, Jennifer included. Teyla's the big sister who beats me up in a bantos match and whose Spidey sense tells us when the Wraith are nearby. She's more a good friend than anything else. I think of you as family. Doesn't that mean something?"

Rodney didn't answer. John saw him take in a deep breath, his hunched shoulders rising up with the air that entered his lungs.

"Did your sense of family disappear with her?" The question is blunt, but John senses that bluntness is the only thing that will get through to McKay. John has never seen him more withdrawn.

McKay turns around and glares at the colonel. "My sense of family _was_ her. _Everything_ was her. You don't get it! And I don't think you ever will." He lifts his right hand and rubs the ring finger of his left.

It dawns on John. He's suddenly in disbelief. He stands, crossing his arms tightly in front of his chest. "Hold on, Rodney, were you going to propose to her?"

Rodney stiffens and jerks his head. "I did propose to her. Three months ago. The wedding was supposed to be in the Gateroom two months from now, on April 17th."

John rubs two hands over his watering eyes and through his messy hair. "God, Rodney... Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"The announcement... Jennifer wanted to keep it quiet for a few months. We were going to tell everyone yesterday. At least...it was supposed to be yesterday." His voice barely makes it to the colonel's ears.

Two renegade tears make it down John's cheeks and into the stubble on his chin. _I didn't even get to ask Elizabeth to marry me,_ John thinks miserably. The tightness in his chest becomes worse. "I'm sorry."

Rodney doesn't seem to hear him. "You were gonna be best man," the astrophysicist reveals, pressing his back against the cold wall and sinking down so he is in the fetal position. "Jen was gonna ask Teyla to be maid of honor. But I suppose it would be best if nobody but us knew this. I don't want something this personal to become public."

John doesn't know what to say in response. _Best man?_ he thinks, and it pokes a little hole in his heart. _I mean that much to Rodney?_ "Would you have told me all this a few hours ago?" John asks cautiously, not wanting to drive Rodney back into the withdrawal out of which it had taken him so long to coax.

The astrophysicist crosses John's room to the darkest place against the wall and shrinks out of sight. "I can't breathe," he struggles to say.

John goes to him quickly, crouching down in front of his friend. "Exactly how much of yourself did you lose last week?"

Rodney can barely look John in the eye. "Too much," he breathes. "Before her I never really knew what it was like to be in love. And now I won't ever get to fall in love again."

_At least he's talking. He wasn't talking four hours ago, when I found him in the corner of Janus's lab. It took me until now to finally get through that shell of his. God, he really did love her. I hate this. _John's mind held its own running narrative as John himself put a comforting hand on the scientist's shoulder. _He changed the timeline once to save Jennifer. But the Hoffan drug didn't kill her this time... This...this was different._

"It's my fault."

John almost didn't hear him. His eyes grew wide. "Why?"

"I let her wade in too far. I should have kept her on the shore. She never took swimming lessons."

"Rodney –"

He lifted a dangerous finger. "No. Don't. This is my catharsis, Sheppard." He took in a deep breath, looking over John's shoulder. "If I'd mapped the floor first I'd have seen the drop off. And because it was something so TRIVIAL as a DROWNING, John, it's so much worse! _I could have saved her_."

Before John could defend himself Rodney pushed upwards, knocking the colonel down. Rodney stormed to the door and didn't look back.

John slid so his back connected with the wall, rubbing his chin and knowing that a bruise was developing on his heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Fear of the Dark by AndromedaMarine**

**Author's Note: Epilogue.**

John dug a hand into his pocket and rapped with the other on Mr. Woolsey's glass door. The expedition leader waved him in. "Is there something I can do for you, Colonel?"

The Air Force officer rubbed his chin roughly. "Suspend Rodney from Gate travel."

Richard blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"He needs time to adjust to life without Doctor Keller. I want a Marine at least watching him while he's away from his quarters." John sat in the chair across from Richard.

"Colonel, if I'm not mistaken, posting a Marine is your responsibility...?" His statement trailed into a question; he wasn't sure why John had come to him to begin with.

Sheppard's body stiffened and he gave of an air of frustration. "You should be happy I'm keeping you in the loop, Mr. Woolsey. I'm keeping you informed of the situation. Rodney's not in connection with himself or reality right now; all he can do to keep from exploding is to work in the labs until he forgets. I can't have him off-world and in the pits of depression."

"Then consider Team Sheppard grounded until further notice," Richard returned. "You're my flagship gate team, John. If one of you is out, all of you are out. Let me know when Dr. McKay is back on his feet."

John stood and made for the door. At the last minute he stopped and turned, indecision on his features. "Thanks."

Richard gave a curt nod and averted his eyes back to the computer on which he had been working before John walked in.

----

Rodney paced circles on the East Pier, staring off into the dull haze of fog settling around Atlantis. He could barely make out the center spire; pinpricks of yellow light shone feebly through the mist. "Could'a saved her..." he repeated, accentuating the middle word with a sharp smack of his heel against the pier.

Night came slowly, the last dappled colors of twilight melting into the darkness of the distant ocean. The astrophysicist shivered as the cold set in around him. Everything was silent except the background slosh of wave against city, and Rodney sank to his knees, the hot tears plowing wet furrows on his cheeks.

"Thought I'd find you here," John commented, keeping the hurt out of his voice. "Should know we're suspended from Gate travel until you're back on your feet."

"Just replace me."

Surprised, the colonel sat next to his friend and popped open one of the beers he'd brought. He held it in front of Rodney. "Why should I do that? You're still the smartest man in two galaxies, right? I need a guy like you on my team."

He looked at the beer and back out into the night of Lantea. "Zelenka needs more off-world hours."

John sipped from the beer he'd offered to Rodney. "Zelenka hates going off-world. You, however, adore it."

Rodney shifted so his back faced John. "Go away."

His voice low and determined: "Don't you go off and get ideas that Atlantis doesn't need or want you, McKay. It'll be a sad day when I let you wander to the East Pier and contemplate throwing yourself off."

Rodney swiveled and looked sharply at John. "What gave you that idea?"

"Hmm, oh, I don't know, your complete lack of interest in your friends, health, and work? I have never seen you this depressed."

"That's because I've never had something to make me this depressed," he answered gloomily.

"You are NOT alone." John watched his breath come out in a small silver cloud, dissipating into the haze of night. "Remember that." They are silent for several minutes, each concentrating on the sounds of the waves. John breaks the silence. "I thought you were afraid of the dark."

Rodney shifts to alleviate the numbness in his legs. "The metaphorical dark when pertaining to huge open places like piers on Atlantis. It's the claustrophobia plus darkness that makes me scared for my life." He'd expected John to laugh, and hid his surprise when the colonel didn't.

"So, right now, what's your worst fear? And it can't be the dark, enclosed spaces."

The scientist looked up at the stars of Pegasus. "Right now? I'm afraid I'll do something that'll detract from the quality of life on Atlantis."

John's internal translator picked up the underlying meaning. "You mean you're afraid you'll kill yourself?"

"Or harm someone if someone tries to stop me."

John's mouth turned downward into a frown of disappointment. "I thought you were stronger than that."

Rodney shrugged. "I was."

"Was?"

"Meaning before last week."

John nodded and took another long drag from the beer bottle. "Beer'll do you good," he said, lifting the six pack hopefully.

"Alcohol is the last thing I need, John. The night air is keeping my head clear enough."

The colonel's voice dropped in intensity. "Is clarity really what's best right now? A fuzzy haze might help soften the..." He wasn't ready for Rodney's two handed push to the chest. "Rodney! What the hell!"

"I'm not you. Booze won't help me deal with the fact that my fiancé is dead."

The words sliced right into John's heart. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, sincere.

Rodney sat down, his back again to John. "It's gonna take a long time, huh?"

"Yeah. It's going to take months, years. It gets easier, but not all at once; you have to trust me on that."

"Give me a few months. Then come knocking with the beer. Maybe then I'll be ready."

The two exchanged nods, the mutual understanding that they shared the loss, and that right now, Rodney may not be in touch with himself, but he would be. In time.


End file.
